The other woman and the other side of the misinterpreted coin.

posted on: Thursday, May 1, 2014

TenMinuter

Get to know how it feels to be another woman and hear it from them. The views and opinions of the article belongs to the writer.

Since time immemorial, the concept of “kabit” or mistress is taboo. Technically, the term mistress is used when the people involved are already in a marriage. For boyfriend-girlfriend relationships, it’s called the third party. Women, usually, are ostracized from society. With the advent of media and TV shows like, the Legal Wife, this perception has been exacerbated. You see people talk about how they hate Nicole so much and will always side with Monica. To me, I don’t think mistresses are always the only one to blame. Yes, they have a hand in it. But they do not see what it really is.

But love. What is it really? They say you cannot control it. They say there is no reason why. One day, you’ll wake up and realize you’re in love and your whole world changes. I’ve been there. And I’m writing this to tell you about how I truly felt.

I’ve been in love and a third party at the same time and it’s not a good feeling. You know that it’s absolutely wrong. Wrong to feel for someone who has someone. Wrong to hurt another person who didn’t do anything wrong to you. Wrong to complain if he can’t see you today because he’s with the other person. Your self-esteem goes down. You feel like a prostitute. You feel small. For someone who’s always been in control for most of one’s life, you feel helpless and stupid. You loath yourself. But even if you do, you already fell into the pit and felt something strong, something you cannot
take back so easily. You flirt. I flirt. But this is only the tip of the iceberg to what it really feels.

People do not know the other side.

They do not see how hard it is to cry every night because your human faculties are in play and they are winning over you. They do not see how it stings when you see him laugh the same kind of laugh you knew. You can never be in the spotlight because there’s someone else. You do not tell a soul about your relationship because they do not understand. You hear him as he tells you he loves you. You love him back but you know he says the same things to another person. You know you can never take her place but you still try. You know you deserve those promises of happiness and love, and you cannot stop the dopamine level rising.

You break down the walls you built for so long, even if you’re not sure of what you’re holding on to. You believe him and you loved him. You changed in order to suit what he is, how he is, what he wants. You try to be the one he will love forevermore and forget that you have to love yourself. You try, and you try so hard. But this is what you are, only a third party, a mistress, a “kabit.”

It’s so unfair too, that they judge you for being the mistress but they do not judge the guy for cheating. If a guy really loved his princess, he won’t go chasing after another one right? You know what he tells you. You know perfectly well the words that went like “I want you to be my last” and “I love you so much.” You know you deserve to hear those words. You know you should have him. He told you he wanted to be with you. Is it so wrong to trust and believe him? Worse, you’re willing to be so little just so you can be with him. Why is it that you’re the only one to blame? Why am I the only one to blame? I was promised they weren’t together anymore and it turns out it wasn’t true. I did not know the whole story. I was lied to as well. I feel cheated on too. But why, why am I taking all the hate? What about him?

Indeed, loving is a patriarchal game and I hate it. They do not know what he tells you. When you try to tell people, they do not believe you because you
are just the third party. You’re the antagonist in their story and you should have known your place. They think you are inherently evil and judge your whole humanity for all of it. It hurts, like hell. You fight for it, but deep inside the wounds are huge. Eventually the pain consumes you. But people don’t see this. They never will until they are in it. You will continually be an outcast. You accept it. And it’s unfair.

I’m not going to pretend that I’m right. Hell, in all parallel universes I will always be wrong. But people have to understand that you can’t stop how you feel. That at one point I felt it was just the two of us. That no matter how much you hate that mistress, she’s only human. And she can love too. I’m sorry if you think I hurt you. But know this, I am extremely hurt too. I am heartbroken and devastated. I don’t know what to do. Should I build my defenses? I have to rebuild my walls. Will I ever be the same? I don’t know if I’ll ever love again.

*Ranielle Cagang is the minister of training for the Lantugi Debate Varsity. An avid reader and writer, not to mention her for love cheescake, she spends her time daydreaming and exploring the world.

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